


Skinning Stones

by SkippingStone



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mpreg, Past Mpreg, Postnatal depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4868981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkippingStone/pseuds/SkippingStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the middle of the night and there is a darkness within him that could not be compared and all he wanted was to be able to find the love within him that somehow was lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skinning Stones

**Author's Note:**

> This is a contribution to my 30 day phanfiction-challenge-countdown. Day 13. #phanfictionchallenge :D

Phil woke with the first noise of discomfort from his daughter. When he turned to the left and opened his eyes, the fairy-lights over the cot were already turning the room into a soft, warm light. Dan was propped up against the back of the bed, holding Sophie in his arms. As usual. Dan wasn't waking up when the crying started, he woke up when the breathing pattern of their daughter changed, as he did with Thomas, back when their son was still sleeping in their room. Phil would give everything for that ability. At least tonight. Tonight was a bad night. 

Dan smiled down at him, reaching out for him, touching his head, caressing his cheek tenderly. 

“Try to get back to sleep. She needs a new nappy and she will get hungry soon, its nearly half past two.” 

“I can do it.” Phil whispered, struggling to untangle his legs from the quilt that somehow had made its way beneath the blanked. 

“Nah, it's not a problem. I can't go back to sleep anyway.” Dan was up before Phil won his battle against the blanket. He turned off the light again and walked silently out of their bed room, as if his feet where made of feathers. He left the door ajar and silence remained. Phil wouldn't be able to get back to sleep either. Not without Dan breathing beside him.

Dark nooses entwined around his ribcage and breathing became continuously harder. He struggled to sit up, he draw his knees up and embraced them, he tried to breath. He tried. 

Dan was good at this. He had already been better at this when they had Thomas, even though it had been him carrying their son. And he wanted to bash away this thought because it didn't matter who carried whom but in Phil's head it sometimes did. It did because Dan was better at everything from the start. Better at taking care for them at night, at stopping them crying, in knowing what they needed. Thomas turned to Dan first when he needed something, especially if it was a hug. Sophie responded to Dan's voice, not to his. He nearly gave up, giving birth to Thomas. Dan gave birth to Sophie like he had never done anything else his whole life.

And he loved Dan, he did; with everything in his body and soul, he loved Dan, but tonight was a bad night and tonight, it hurt. 

He contemplated laying back down, so Dan wouldn't see him like this, see him and know. He didn't want to go through this, because Dan would make him hold Sophie and that, eventually would make him cry, which would make Dan feel like shit and probably make him cry, too. He needed to lay down... but as soon as he did, as soon as he had struggled back under his bedsheets, breathing became so much harder. In fact he needed to throw away the bedding, swing his legs out of bed and straighten his spine, press his shoulders back, in order to breath. 

He hadn't noticed Dan coming back with Sophie in his rush to fight back air into his lungs. He hadn't noticed his husband laying their daughter back into her crib. He hadn't noticed him crawling over the bed, but suddenly long arms embraced him from behind and Dan's chest pressed into his back and his face buried into his neck, legs closed around his hips. And this time, it didn't need their daughter in his arms, Dan entwining himself around him was enough to make him cry. 

Phil couldn't tell if it was Dan, rocking them or himself shaking so hard, but it calmed him down considerably, he could not only hear Dan whispering soothing words under his breath, he was also able to speak. 

“How can I be such a bad father?” Was the one thing he kept repeating, not taking into account Dan's words, trying to convince him otherwise. He didn't even comprehend them, really. He didn't need to hear that he was wrong, that he was a good father, that he was amazing in everything he did. Because Phil knew better. Phil knew he was shit. 

Suddenly, there was a small hand on his left knee, and he noticed Dan's left arm was no longer around his stomach, it helped the small boy crawl up into his lap and his arms opened themselves instinctively, helping Thomas along on his quest, then embracing him against his chest, holding onto him like a lifeline, burring his head into his sons hair. 

Dan was speaking. Maybe he explained to Thomas how Daddy needed a hug and that soon, everything was fine again. Maybe those were his words, but he didn't really trust his ears right now. Or Dan's words for that matter. He tried to stop his sobbing, he tried to calm down and breath deeply. But then Dan was no longer behind him and panic started to spread like wildfire and he turned his head around, searching. Dan was almost back, carrying their little one who was crying in distress. 

He settled back down beside him, facing his shoulder, entwining his right leg around him and placing the other one on the ground, directly beside his, pressing his inner left ankle to his outer one, resting his forehead on his shoulder while soothing their daughter, now in between them. 

Feeling every step of this interaction, made him realize that he was no longer crying uncontrollably, only silent tears were welling from his eyes. Then a little hand was pressing against his cheek. 

“Daddy?” 

“I am okay Thomas, sorry baby...” his voice was shaking and it was hard to speak. Every muscle in his body was still tight and his throat hurt like hell from crying.

“But why do you cry? Daddy. Are you sad again?”

Phil nodded, caressing his hand through the dark-blond locks. Thomas was kneeing on his lap, starring into his eyes with a questioning but concerned look. He gave the small boy a kiss on the forehead, and pulled him back into his arms afterwards. 

“I love you, Daddy.” 

“I love you more, kiddo.” 

“I love you all the way to the moon and back!”

“You beat me! You love me more,” Phil chuckled and in that moment he felt how Dan did everything in his power to hold in a sob. It shook through him, effected their daughter, just having calmed down. But that might had been what kept Dan from a break-down, keeping her calm. Keeping them calm. So he listened to Dan taking a long and calming breath. And more after that.

Thomas laying in his arms, nearly was back to sleep. And for a moment he contemplated how loud he must have been to wake him. He calmly caressed his sons head, driving his fingers through the locks.

“Are you better?” Dan asked under his breath. In fact he nearly didn't catch it, running circles in his mind, getting lost in his head, trying to cope with feeling so empty all of a sudden. 

All he did was nod, but he turned his head over. Their noses very nearly touched when Dan lifted his forehead from his shoulder and instead rested his chin on it, they were so close that seeing each other wasn't really possible, so they closed their eyes and kissed. Dan's lips were wet and Phil knew that he must have been crying silently alongside him. It made Phil feel a little bit worse. Recently, he made Dan cry more often than he ever wanted to take credit for in his life. Now it was another thing on his back.

“Should I get up and make us some tea?” 

“Can we just sit here for now?” 

“Of course.” 

Sometimes, Phil didn't understand how he got here in the first place. When he realized that he was pregnant, that they were going to have a baby, they were the happiest people alive, he was happy. He was happy. He had no idea he was a carrier, he never made the test because after finding Dan so early in his life, falling so hard in love, so young, and knowing that he was a carrier and very happily looking forward to baring children, he never gave it a second thought. 

And than it didn't work out. It didn't work out until a little less than a year ago, when Dan finally found out that he was having their second child. So when he fell pregnant after trying for over a year with no success, they were quite figuratively, over the moon. Dan didn't care, as long as they had a baby and they had Thomas and that was when it began. It was postnatal depression and he went into therapy and had medications and after a while he was good and they found their happiness again. 

But shortly after having Sophie, it all started over again. And he wasn't prepared, not that there really could be a way to be prepared, hell he was just as clueless as the first time around because after all it hadn't been him carrying their baby this time. And frankly, it was not really the same this time also. Everything felt more dark, even though he couldn't understand how this was even possible. And, Phil thought, that was what worried them both so much.

His therapist said it was normal, there was no way to compare one major depressive episode with another. The panic attacks had been new, feeling like the worst parent in this world, was new. The first time around the fear was a different one, one he couldn't even seem to grasp anymore. It was gone, replaced by this darkness within him, stealing his breath and making him wish to stop existing. 

“Dan, I don't want to feel like this. I miss us being happy. And I try really hard...”

“We will be again. I promise you. We will.” 

“I love you Dan and I love Thomas, and I love Sophie. I know that.” Speaking, Phil rested his free hand on Sophie's side, as her brother, she was sleeping by now. He knew he did, he knew it was there within him, somewhere within him, there surly was love. 

“We know Phil. And we love you so much, so incredible much.”


End file.
